3 November - And it's a wrap

What could be worse than a 22 hour flight from Berlin to Doha, Doha to KL, KL to Melbourne? A six hour stopover in KL, that's what. I should also mention that in my packing madness, I managed to forget to store my glasses in my hand luggage. Therefore, with only 14 hours down, my over-worn contact lenses, the dryness from the flight and a solid 30 minutes of sobbing into my chicken and rice after watching 'Bridges of Madison County' on the inflight entertainment, has rendered me a red eyed and very cranky traveler. 

I normally don't mind long haul flights. What better excuse to be served food continuously while watching four movies back-to-back? However, this particular flight has lost any sense of glamour. Perhaps because the great Berlin adventure is now over and I must return to a life of alarm clocks, tram passes and meetings. This would also suggest it's time to revisit my earlier goals and draw some type of conclusion from this very indulgent time away. To quote myself from way back in July, come November, I hoped to;

1) Have the ability to conduct a basic conversation in German
If by 'conversation' you mean I can say I'm from Australia, I'm unmarried, my favourite colour is red and I have two brothers, I think I can give this one the thumbs up. (Though it does read rather like a terrible first date).
2) Prove or disprove that I'm essentially German in my attitude 
This one is much more difficult as, after two months in Berlin, I don't feel any closer to really understanding the German psyche. Not even the stereotypes are satisfactory. For example, while the public transport is frighteningly efficient, the language is not. It just takes many more words to say something in German than it does in English. Similarly, while I encountered many blunt and opinionated people (refer to my earlier post about Frau Postal Worker), I've met many more considered, interesting, bright, kind (dare I say witty) Germans.
3) Meet interesting people
As per above, this one can also get the thumbs up. From the New Zealander couple I befriended on my first day, to the friends of friends I forced my company upon, I can safely say that the world is full of good sorts and I'm privileged to have met a few of them.
4) Look at art and not associate it with work.
Double thumbs up. So many highlights it would take up the entire post to list them all.

So the wrap? It's been a whirlwind, wonderful ride and I'm glad I took the (small) risk to get aboard. My time away has helped me to appreciate the bevy of excellent friends I have in my life and writing this blog has forced me to do some self-analysis and actually get genuine joy from writing. So thank you to everybody who has been so encouraging, not only of the blog but of the whole adventure. There has even been a request for a continuation of the blog (in some from or another). I'm not sure I'll have enough content once I'm back to regular life, but thanks for making the request.

And, whilst I don't normally like to inflict my holiday photos on anybody (please never invite me to a slide night), here are a few slightly interesting ones from the collection;

 Busking; German style (check the amp set up)

 'Entertainment' during the Day of German Unity. Basically a bunch of kids running into one another on stage.

 Saying I Love You without actually saying it.

 So, my street kind of sounds like my name. Kind of.

 I'm pretty certain this graffiti is grammatically incorrect.

 The running track.

A language where being over 30 sounds almost cool.

Thanks again folks. Not much else to say except Auf Wiedersehen.

24 October - Memory Mark II

As I've now entered my last full week in Berlin, I've begun to make an effort to tick off all those tourist 'must-sees' that have been nagging at me from the pages of the Germany Lonely Planet guide book. It occurred to me yesterday however, as I was descending the dome of the Berlin Reichstag that I was possibly undertaking this task for the wrong reasons. Was I only visiting these sites so as to arm myself with future conversational content when asked about my time away? The need for 'holiday content' became obvious to me last week when a fellow student asked for some tips on the best things to see and do in Poland. However, when attempting to reel off the most impressive historical and architectural sites, my memory completely failed me. That is because my favourite memory of Poland centers around a stew.

Now, growing up in Queensland in the 1980s, I was no stranger to the taste of stew. And whilst mum's Ox Tail concoction is still garnering rave reviews throughout the great North East, I for one couldn't even look at it, let alone eat it. So, about ten years ago, when asked to dinner at a Polish friend's apartment in Warsaw, to try her mother's bigos, I was less than excited. Naturally I didn't wish to offend my hosts, so, holding my breath, I tried the hearty mix. If a taste could embody the exact opposite of the Brisbane suburbs, this was it. Rich, smokey, spicy and utterly delicious. To top it all off, we were then served tea - without a milk jug in sight! 'Where's the milk?' I whispered to (then boyfriend), L. He was smart enough to gather that the slice of lemon was intended for the teacup in this part of the world. What a revelation! I thought about that stew and exotic milk-less tea for the duration of my holiday. 

As the above story indicates, I have no control over the useless information my brain chooses to recall. Therefore, I've decided to nominate the things I want to remember most about Berlin. I am retaining the right to add to this list in my final week;

1) The light surrounding the eery and wonderful Tempelhof airport at dusk. If I could take the hue of that light and put it in my pocket, I'd be forever happy.
2) A dinner conversation with a group of three new German friends (who, collectively could speak five languages), about the complexity and joy of language. I was even able to contribute by explaining the use of 'dative case' as it related to German grammar. 
3) The first time I could understand a conversation in German. Similarly, the first time I could order my lunch without the cashier answering me in English.
4) Stocking the fridge of my apartment and then eating an entire packet of Pfeffernüsse, while sitting in bed reading and gazing out the window.
5) My astonishment and joy at finding old photographs and bits of DDR memorabilia at the Mauerpark Market.
6) Exiting my local UBahn stop to be greeted by the below view everyday, and still smiling at it;

How do I make this (seemingly) banal list of memories into fascinating tales adventure? Perhaps I should consult the remaining 'must-sees' in my final week;
Tuesday; eat currywurst
Yep, that should do it.

19 October - So you think you can dance

On occasion I feel a little sad. If our emotional scale can be ranked from one to ten, with ten being the happiest I've ever been and one being the saddest, I'd rate today as around a four. Just below content. No emotional reveal there, everybody sometimes feels a little sad. The reveal comes with the ways I choose to cheer myself.

As already discussed, I like to run to clear my head and get myself back to level again. I also like to call up friends who distract me from my dull first world problems and make me laugh myself happy. 

However, when the above fails to work, I occasionally engage in 'secret cheering behaviour'. Sometimes, when I'm feeling sad, I like to listen to Kenny Rogers' greatest hits on my headphones really loud. Specifically tracks two to four; 'The gambler', 'Coward of the county', 'Ruby, don't take your love to town', and 'Islands in the stream'. If the sadness rates a three or below, I also like to sing along to 'Islands' - doing both Kenny and Dolly's parts. The other thing I really like to do is dance, on my own, to anything by MIA or Primal Scream. Not so bad I hear you say. But, did I mention that I dance a little like this;

Specifically the Molly Ringwald character, but, with the Ally Sheedy twirl. (Just as a small aside, I always thought I was more Claire than Allison, but it's quite clear that I've been deluding myself for all these years).

Anyways, this ridiculously long preamble is leading to my night spent dancing in a Berlin closet. (Bear with me, I'll explain). No lights, no lycra is a concept started by a couple of Melbourne girls who - like me - love to dance, but prefer to do it as if nobody is watching. They took this idea and created a space where you, quite literally, dance in the dark. So, rather than inflict my downstairs neighbours with my solo Molly Ringwald impersonation, I thought I'd head to Krezberg to do it amongst some strangers.

I fronted to a bar bearing the address I'd written down, but, with no dancing in sight. 
'Wo ist Hubertuslounge?' I mumbled to the impossibly hip barman. 
'That is here. You want the party?' 
'Um, yeah, I guess'.
'Okay, just go through the closet and down the stairs'.
'The water closet?'
'No, the closet';

This is not a stunt hipster

So, I approach the closet and tentatively open the door;

Am I paranoid to be worried about entering basements in this part of the world?

So, down these outrageously narrow stairs I went. At the bottom I was greeted by an inoffensive beat and five bodies dancing in a very small room, completely hidden by the dark. 'Come dance', said a voice from the din.

And dance I did. I danced like Molly, I danced like Ally, I may have even danced a bit like Judd and Emilio. Thirty minutes later I was in a sweaty lather, full of love for my fellow humans, and wanting more. It was time to wrap up however, and I emerged from the basement at least two emotional points higher than when I entered. I then met a friend for dinner where we ate tasty food, had great conversation (about 30 seconds of it in German), and parted with the promise of a jog around Tempelhof airport on Friday.

On the Ubahn home, I consulted my iPod for the perfect end to what started out a pretty average day. Listening to Kenny at this juncture would potentially push me up to a nine on the emotions scale. Luckily the Smiths were on hand to bring me back to level again.

16 October - Don't rush to my defense

Thanks to an introduction by some visiting Melbournians, I've had the opportunity to make a new friend. Besides being the first German I've actually befriended in Berlin, she's also possibly the nicest person I've ever met. I met K three days ago and in that time I have seen her convince a bunch of teenagers to quit playing tag on the train tracks, then the next day, I saw her pull her bike over to ask an elderly lady if she needed help with her groceries. So, when she said, 'So, Kristen, want to learn how to box?' I was a little perplexed. But, I was equally eager to see this dichotomy in action.  

I don't like sport. Mostly because I don't like to do things that I have absolutely no skill at. This is why jogging suits me. No skill required beyond moving one's legs and regulating one's breathing. I've been skilled at both moving my legs and breathing for a few years now. For me, jogging is also the cheapest form of therapy because of its enforced meditative qualities - I don't dwell and over-think when I run - I solve. The over-thinking comes from being a rather angry person. I'm angry a lot. I'm angry at people who try and get on public transport before I've had a chance to exit it. I'm angry that I have so much when so many people have so little. I'm angry that I'm rubbish at maths. I'm angry that I sometimes channel this anger towards strangers, or even people I care about, through cutting remarks. Now however, I'm pleased to announce, I have boxing in my life.


So, let's set the scene. Our instructor for the lesson looked exactly like Hilary Swank. Not 'Million Dollar Baby' Hilary, but 'Boy's Don't Cry' Hilary. The rest of the class was made up of three German girls - two of which were about my height and build - the third looked a little like this;

Just add boxing gloves

Before getting down to punching things however, we needed to warm up. Cue skipping ropes and five minutes of Missy Elliot. Awesome. Then Hilary took us through the basics of how to stand and correctly position our bodies, using core strength. It was kind of like yoga - without the irritating hippy elements. 

Next came the basic punch. Now, being lucky enough to be born female, learning how to punch somebody in the face hasn't been high up on my list of priorities. So, being told to 'aim for the head' was not only usual, but, strangely liberating. It was also really fun. This was especially the case when I was partnered with Dagmar - a sweet girl of my height and build. We were equally as uncoordinated and afraid of doing damage that we spent most of our time dodging punches that wouldn't topple a toddler. Then I was partnered with Fraulein SS. This woman was taking this lesson very seriously. Since we started without gloves, we had to defend with open palms. Fraulein SS wasn't satisfied unless the sound of her punch hitting your palm was the loudest thing echoing through the gym. My hands are still aching.

Towards the end I was partnered with our instructor. She was so encouraging and kind I didn't get much joy from aiming my fist at her face. She didn't have my inhibitions however and continually pointed out my poor defense technique. 'Kristen, you're very quick, but, you need to learn to defend yourself effectively.' How true. Maybe all that anger is better channeled through a more passive but effective defense rather than a quick and brutal right hook?

13 October - Melbourne, do you still love me?

Amongst the great songs on my Berlin music compilation is a sweet and knowing tune by Frida Hyvönen called 'London'. I love the canny way she describes that bleak city; 'The way you hate me is better than love and I'm head over heels'. It got me thinking about my own relationships with the cities I've lived in. 

Unlike Frida, I was not head over heels for London. If I were to describe our two years together, London and I looked a little something like this;

Ike is London and I am Tina

London kicked my arse. To my 21 year old mind, London was glamorous, a little dangerous and about as far away from Brisbane as I could realistically get. We had some nice times together certainly. But, the good times were mostly for the cameras. Behind closed doors, London made me feel insecure, powerless and desperately lonely. As per the script, I stuck it out in the hope it would get better. But, as numerous tele-movies can attest, it never does. An expiring visa forced our breakup, and, suffering from something like Stockholm Syndrome at the time, I was actually sad to leave. I couldn't imagine how I'd ever again find such a powerful and handsome city to call my own. Then I met Melbourne.

Johnny is Melbourne and I am Vanessa

It was love at first sight. Still bruised from the London experience I found it hard to believe that a love like this existed. I loved Melbourne with all my heart and, it loved me back. It could never give me the glamour of London, but I could rest assured that it would bring me chicken soup if I was sick. It would do the dishes without being asked. It would be loyal, kind, respectful and would spoon me in bed at night. Nearing our 10 year anniversary however, complacency had given way to a small amount of contempt. So, Melbourne and I talked it over and I suggested that maybe we take a short break - you know, be open to seeing other cities. So, I started dating Berlin.

 

 Pete is Berlin and I am Kate

Berlin has been the type of romance one tends to have on holidays. It's a relationship full of wonderful and exciting experiences that will fill the memory scrapbook for years to come. But, while we've had a whole lot of fun together, the depth of feeling is absent. We make a hot couple, but we're going to eventually tire of each other. I've realised that Berlin is the city that will cause a wry smile when I'm safely back in the arms of my one, true love. 

 

So there you have it Melbourne. I've tried the open relationship but it's you I'm pretty sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. Will you have me back?

6 October - Wörter sind toll!*

'Wörter sind toll' - or, in English - words are great. Except, in English, I'd not use 'great'. What a mediocre word to describe language! I'd prefer to say that words are; complicated yet excitingly challenging. Words are beautifully tricky. Words can be very powerful. Words help to explain stuff!

It's not quite true to say that in Germany, everybody speaks English. Older people who work in the services industries tend to have a very basic grasp on English. So, when a person with a very basic grasp on German requires the services of a person with a very basic grasp on English, only disappointment and/or hijinks can ensue. So, let's imagine that the English speaker is me. Now let's imagine that the German speaker is a German postal worker. Now imagine me at the post office with a mildly complicated request. This request involved the purchasing of a postal bag in which I would put a small item to then be weighed before being sent to Australia.

Much like Australian post offices this one was grossly understaffed, with a queue approximately 25 people deep and extending onto the street. When I was finally served thirty minutes later, I approached Frau postal worker with a smile, a complicated combination of hand gestures and a few (badly conjugated) verbs. I was encouraged that I'd managed to make myself understood, so I then prepared to complete the transaction. I was not prepared however for Frau postal worker to send me to the back of the queue because I hadn't actually written on the envelope that I wished to post. Naturally I hadn't written on the envelope because I hadn't paid for the envelope! But, how do I communicate this with only five weeks of elementary German on my side? How do I say 'I understand what you want me to do, I just think it's absurd. I've been waiting long enough already. I'll be very quick if you will just let me fill in the address here. Come on, do me this one favour? By the way, I like what you've done with your hair.' This is what I'm struggling with the most when trying to learn a new language. At what point do you build enough knowledge to use language to charm, to entertain or to make people laugh?

This struggle reoccurs every weekday at approximately 10am. This is when we have our short break from class. From day one I've been getting a coffee from the same shop where I'm served by a very charming husband and wife team. I've been going to class almost five weeks now, that means I've brought approximately 25 coffees from this couple. The most upsetting news? The coffee is woeful. Yet, I keep returning. I keep returning because I really like the couple and I don't have the capacity to say 'stop burning the bejesus out of that milk. Your coffee gives me third degree burns on the roof of my mouth!' If English were our common language I could tell them this because I could frame the criticism as a joke or at the very least make a subtle (non-hurtful) recommendation on my desired coffee temperature.

In my German class there is a recently married girl from China. She is learning German because her new husband is Swiss. Their common language is English. This girl's English is as advanced as my German (i.e. extremely basic). How does this possibly work? How often, in relationships, have we either heard or declared 'talk to me!' It's hard enough to explain certain emotions in a language I've known all my life. Imagine only having the ability to say to your partner 'I am sad', or 'I am happy'. How frustrating and dis-empowering. 

I'm now resigned to the fact that at this stage of my adventure, I'll need to be satisfied with the most basic of expressions. I plan on sending another package to Australia shortly, so, in preparation, I've managed to memorise 'ich bin traurig' - I am sad. Though, on second thoughts, maybe I should look into the German translation for 'that's a really nice uniform you've got on'.

*Just to prove that words are indeed tricky, since posting this I've realised I had the plural form of 'words' wrong - so, I've fixed it. Sorry German speakers.

2 October - And we're at the half way mark

Early October has rolled around and in Germany the people are gearing up to celebrate Tag der Deutschen Einheit (Day of German Unity). In Melbourne the vomit is being hosed from the streets following another Grand Final, and everybody has one less hour to nurse their hangovers with the turning forward of the clocks. Here in Berlin, I am celebrating the half way mark in the great German adventure. So, time for some reflection and analysis.Things that have surprised me thus far;

1) Men check you out in this town. I'm not talking about the way men check you out in Turkey. That just makes you want to run home and scrub yourself with an exfoliating mitt. The German check out goes something like this; man of similar age and fashion sensibility is walking towards you. There is eye contact. There is more eye contact. Okay, this is getting weird now. Stop looking in my eyes! KE looks to the ground. What this scenario acknowledges is 'I think you're cute. And, I think you're cute. We're not going to talk, but, I would like you to know that I find you attractive'. It's a wonderful non-sleazy way to make somebody feel good about themselves. Now that I'm used to it, I suggest that Australian men get their act together in this department. Just don't get all Australian and ask the girl out! It totally defeats the purpose.

2) I miss my friends much more than I expected to. Of course I expected to miss my friends, but, I didn't expect to cry upon the receipt of certain emails. Nor did I expect that when couple M and M visited me recently, that I would get massive joy from hearing myself called 'Eckers' and 'KE'. Nor did I expect to well up when (male) M gave me a big bear hug or when I could still smell the perfume in my flat from (female) M after they had departed.  

3) I haven't switched the television on once. I love television. The more mind-numbing, the more I love it. My house mate can attest to more than one evening spent staring glassy eyed at 'Farmer Wants a Wife'. This was always my way to try and free my mind from the day's work events. I realise now, instead of making me relaxed, this type of television was actually sending out evil signals to deplete my brain cells and make me buy more McDonalds.


4) Due to the above mentioned lack of television, I'm now listening to music again. Thanks to a finely curated compilation gifted by a friend on my departure, I'm now re-examining my music and seeking out new sounds.  


5) I'm enjoying German lessons. This has surprised me most of all. I'm enjoying the challenge of learning how words work. I'm enjoying trying to make sounds that are totally alien to my Australian tongue. The ability to understand overheard scraps of sentences has caused me to smile broadly and give myself a pat on the back. I'm also very aware that if only I put in a bit more effort, this is something I could actually be good at. Note to self; put in more effort.

6) I'm able to fill entire days without actually having a job to go to. I remember when my parents retired, I asked 'what is it you do all day?' Mum replied that they'd managed to fill their days just fine thank you very much. I might not have lawn bowls or golf on my side but I'm finding that reading, writing, walking and going to art galleries is a very satisfying way to wile away the hours. It is this point that started a discussion between (female) M and myself about how to earn a living without actually going to work. It was decided that we would start an all female rock band - heavily derived from the '90s riot grrrls of our youth. So friends, I expect to see you all at the Tote in approximately 5 weeks time for our debut. In the meantime, here's a little something to warm you all up;

 

I need to make a confession. This entire post was just a really poor excuse to insert the above clip. Well it is amazing, admit it!

 

29 September - What's love got to do with it?

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Specifically, I've been thinking about love since being asked by a very special friend to do a reading at his wedding. Besides being extremely honored, I'm also terrified. I don't have a major issue with public speaking, the thing that has me in a panic, is that I'm to select the reading. Naturally, this reading needs to be romantic but not saccharine, memorable but not baffling - basically it needs to be pretty awesome to do justice to my friend and his future wife.

I've read many texts about love - mad love, romantic love, new love, throwing yourself in front of a train love, but, none of these types of love are adequate expressions of what I believe love to be. Like most young girls, I had an obsession with novels written in the 1800s by the likes of Jane Austen or one/all of the Brontë sisters. By the time I was 18 I was totally perplexed as to why a tall, dark, rich, arrogant (yet with a heart of gold) suitor, had failed to materialise and ask for my hand. Naturally I would refuse the first time before discovering that I'd been wrong about him all along and he really was my one, true, love. However, by my early 20s it became most evident that this type of love either didn't exist, or didn't exist in the Queensland suburbs.

Now in my early 30s, I'm still not sure literature and songs have helped me formulate the right definition. Perhaps I just don't have it in me, but, I'm yet to experience the extremities of love that would cause me to stab myself in the chest with a knife. I think the worst it has gotten for me is a week under the doona and spontaneous tears at the office. And that felt like shit, so, I pity the poor person who has the desire to punch a wall with his/her head.

The internet proved diabolical in helping me in my quest. Suggestions range from passages in Lord of the Rings to more bible than you can poke a misogynist finger at. So, off to the music collection I go. No Elliot Smith then (for reasons stated above), no Wilco (I'm never sure if Jeff is singing about a woman or heroin)...hold up, what do we have here...Tex Perkins, 'Real Love';
'What we got is real love. It ain't a bit deal love, but it has its appeal love. It's real, it's here and it's love. It ain't for the crowds love. It ain't in the clouds love...it ain't jumpin off bridges love...sometimes it's dull love but I love that dullness too. It ain't in the kisses, it ain't gettin your wishes, it's doin the dishes, that's real, real love.'

Why is this song so appealing to me? I think it's because it goes someway to explain what one of the best parts of being in love is - respect and friendship. This became particularly evident to me over the last few days when I've had friends visiting from Australia. This couple are one of my favourite examples of a successful relationship. In the three days we spent together, I did a bit of observation. How do they make it work? What does their love look like? To my mind, it seemed as simple as looking out for each other, looking after each other - just being a good team.

Unfortunately though, this simplistic definition is unlikely to bring the house down at my friend's wedding - unless it's with mass booing. So, it's back to iTunes for me. Alternatively, my incredibly wise and romantic friends can send me some suggestions. Please.

20 September - Art + Shit = ?

Late last week I was engaging in a bit of 21st century technology by Skype chatting with a friend on my way home from class. Try not to be too overwhelmed by my (recently acquired) mad skillz in this area, for you may rest assured, I still can't get my head around if I'm actually 'online' or not. Anyways, Skype friend, T, asked me what I was up to that day, to which I responded, 'just going to see some art and shit'. Little did I realise that this flippant (and not particularly funny) remark was to come true.

So, let's get the shit out of the way first - Kunsthaus Tacheles (Arthouse Tacheles). Now, the building itself has a fascinating and wonderful history involving varying uses, ranging from department store to Nazi prison. The shit part comes in, I suspect, probably by the late 1990s - ten years after it had been functioning as an artist-run squat. From what I've read about the space, in its early incarnation as an artist-run initiative, it was genuinely reflective and responsive to the local creative community. But, twenty years on, it appeared to me to be as artistically relevant as Chadstone Shopping Centre. 

Perhaps though I should start by setting the scene. As I entered the stairwell, I was aurally greeted by German commercial radio being piped down from above. Red Hot Chilli Peppers (circa 1992) assaulted my ears, which combined with 'street art' (i.e. really shit graffiti) to assault my eyes. Then I came across the artists' studio spaces. I should apologise in advance to any curators reading this - or indeed anybody who has an understanding and appreciation for the visual arts -  for I'm about to give my unqualified opinion on what I believe art is. Firstly though, it was clear to me that the works on display at Tacheles were a perfect example of what art is not. They were mediocre and embarrassing opportunities to cash in on the street art boom that, realistically died about fifteen years ago. However, that didn't stop the gaggle of tourists buying up bag loads of tack to better relive their cutting edge Berlin art experience from the comfort of their hotel rooms. I left feeling deflated but pretty confident in knowing what art wasn't. 

So, what is art? I think I came closer to the answer when visiting the KW Institute for Contemporary Art, nearby on Auguststrasse. 

After buying my entry ticket, I needed to ask the staff member if I was heading in the right direction, for the space in front of me was totally black. She half nodded while serving somebody else so I still wasn't sure I was on the right track. So I continued to walk down the dark hallway, towards 'the art.' Then I came to the top of some steps which seemed to overlook a cavernous black hole below, with a type of steel structure nearly invisible in the gloom. I could hear footsteps below me but couldn't see anybody moving in the space. I decided to start carefully descending while holding fast to the handrail to guide me through the thoroughly dark space. Internal dialogue went as follows; 'What is this rubbish? I'm going to break my neck it's so dark in here. What happens once I get to the end of these steps? It's pitch black in here. Am I supposed to actually view this mysterious structure close up? Is this art? What's going on? Fuck, I've come the wrong way. They are surely just installing something and I've stumbled onto the work site. Fuck. How embarrassing. I'm going to be humiliated. I'm going to be humiliated in German. I can't defend myself. Fuck! I'm mortified. Oh, there's an exit sign. Okay, that's not an exit. It's so dark in here. Is this art?' etc. etc. Physically I was also exhausted. Preparing for certain mortification and/or a broken rib, my body had been injected with so much adrenaline that my legs were shaking and my heart was racing.

Eventually I found my way back to the steps and my relief was so great that I had to sit down for about ten minutes to calm myself. 

Turns out it was art I was experiencing. The work is by Inigo Manglano-Ovalle and is called Phantom Truck. It's apparently a comment on the Iraq war. But, what I was experiencing actually went to the core of one of my biggest fears - public humiliation. I still maintain I don't really know what art is, but, the cocktail of emotions that I was forced to confront - fear, embarrassment, doubt and wonder - makes me think I've come pretty close

18 September - The world according to Irvine Welsh

There was a time in the 1990s when everybody one met had either read Trainspotting, or was in the process of doing so. It must have been around 1997, just after the film, (based on the book), had been released, and we were all enthralled by the (disturbingly sexy) world of Edinburgh's junkies. So, being a dedicated child of the 90s, I was amongst those who dutifully watched the film, then ran out to read Irvine Welsh's book afterwards.

It has been 15 years since I first read Trainspotting, and Mr Welsh and I have had something of a tumultuous relationship in that time. Safe to say, I'd never quite read anything like his books - the Scottish dialect was near impossible to understand, but oh so satisfying when you caught the rhythm. The subject matter was always so unflinchingly brutal, I was often too in awe to be offended. However, by the early 2000s, the honeymoon was over. I started to find his characters so abhorrent, I wished them (and, in turn, the book) a bloody and quick end. (This is also the problem I have with Christos Tsiolkas, but, perhaps best saved for another time). So, when I saw that Irvine Welsh was doing a reading, and plug for his new book, at the Berlin Literature Festival, I wondered if it was worth the mental energy to try and revive our relationship. I didn't wonder for too long, since, outside of Skype, this was my only opportunity to hear somebody speak in English for longer than three minutes.

Unfortunately an afternoon nap and maintenance on the U2 train line meant I was a few minutes late. Luckily I only missed the introduction (in German), and the reading followed only minutes afterwards. He read well, though his Scottish accent was so thick I began to wonder if it was English I was listening to. I also find the concept of author as performer rather strange. The Q&A however was something of a treat. Welsh had quite a few things to say about the process of writing and why he gets enjoyment out of it. Some of it was banal, but some of it was surprisingly touching. He said, for him, character development was about getting closer to humanity - to understanding how humans tick and behave why we do. Apparently, when he begins creating a character, he determines their humanity by three basic criteria; what they say, what they play and who they lay. Crass, certainly, but, it got me thinking about how this criteria relates to the people in my life. The 'what they say' part is a no-brainer in terms of how a person presents themselves to the world through speech. 'What they play' is a little more interesting. For example, I don't believe I could be friends with a person who got their musical stimulation entirely through listening to the top 40 charts. They could be a very nice person, I'm sure. Just not my type of person. Lastly though; 'who they lay', or more specifically, who are we attracted to and why? Are we partially defined by the type of person we love?

This concept reminded me of a conversation I had with a couple of girlfriends recently. Somehow we'd gotten talking about 'the ideal partner'. One friend summed her ideal up as such; 'he likely wears Blundstone boots, can back a ute and jump a fence with one hand'. Besides being quite funny, it also paints a pretty accurate picture of the sort of person my friend is; she loves being outdoors amongst nature, she's practical, capable and no-nonsense. Just like her ideal partner.

I actually can't remember what my answer to this question was, but, when I think about any recurring characteristics from loves past, I can come up with a few; quick witted, flawed (but with enough insight to be cognisant of those flaws), and usually smokers (two have had the particularly attractive knack of rolling a cigarette while driving a manual car). I'm not sure what the smoking part says about me, (death wish perhaps), but, I like to flatter myself that I've a fairly sharp wit and, though flawed, I at least try to address those flaws and make myself a better human in the process.

So, thanks Irvine for helping me understand humanity a little better. I'm glad we're friends again. I even contributed to your retirement fund by buying your book afterwards - I just hope the characters are saying, playing and laying to my satisfaction.

16 September - Waxing lyrical

I paid a visit to Berlin's Museum for Photography (Museum für Fotografie), earlier this week. Though the top floor contained a reasonably interesting collection of works by photojournalist Abisag Tüllmann, the majority of punters were heading straight to the Helmut Newton display, located on the ground and first floors. If you're currently thinking 'I know that name, but, I'm not sure I know his work...', let me jog your memory. Think naked chicks. Now think of really big boobs. Now think of bondage. Now think of naked chick with big boobs tied to the bed. You likely won't remember her face, because, chances are it's hidden or been cut off. Please don't worry, this post isn't going to be a rehashing of my paper from Gender Studies 101 on 'why it's bad to objectify women for commodification and call it high art'. The fact is, I love Helmut Newton's photographs, but, unlike other forms of art I've experienced, his images left me a little cold. There's something about seeing perfection en masse that made me rather bored. So much so, that the most intellectual thought imprinted on my memory was; 'geeze, I really should get onto that bikini wax this week'.

And, so we come to the point. The German bikini wax experience. As mentioned, after viewing hundreds of images of naked women this week, the 'upkeep' of my own body has been on my mind. So, when I stumbled across 'Queen of Waxing', I thought it was time to take the plunge. The plunge was quite literal as I had to walk down a set of stairs to a basement counter. All the while I'm trying to desperately think of the German word for bikini and wondering if one should address the waxer with the formal 'Sie' or informal 'du'. Then I arrived at the counter - to be greeted by a man. Oh shit. Now, I know that the Germans are much more laid back about nudity than most other nationalities, but, there was no chance I was having my pubic hair removed by a man. In my panic I was stuttering a combination of English and German; 'wax', 'Frau only!', 'kein Brazilian'. Luckily, soon after this hysterical performance, a woman came out from the back room. She oddly shook my hand, and introduced herself as Angelika.

So, most women (and quite a few men) would know there are various types of bikini shapes available. Thankfully, I was saved from having to resort to pantomime when Angelika presented me with a helpful chart showing various styles to choose from. I resisted the heart shape and indicated something resembling my regular order. Up on the bench I got. It's a strange relationship a girl has with her bikini waxer. For example, back in Melbourne, I know that Vanessa (her actual name), lives in Thomastown, is married and has a two year old son. Small talk is what maintains the waxer/client relationship. Since I'd just come from week two of German classes, I was proficient in small talk. But somehow, telling my German waxer that 'mein Bruder ist 41 Jahre alt' (my brother is 41 years old), just seemed inappropriate. Instead, I was left wishing I'd learnt German for 'that wax is like molten lava, please be careful where you're putting it'.

Turns out I didn't need to learn any such phrases because Angelika was very gentle and professional. She even gave me a fruit mentos sweet afterwards - she'd obviously been impressed by my Australian stoicism.

Oh, and Newton's photographs really only influenced me in the bikini wax department. I'm not planning a boob job any time soon. Though, I did learn how to say boobs in German today...

13 September - Eins is the loneliest number?

I did one of those Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tests once. In short, the Myers-Briggs is a questionnaire aimed to pigeonhole your personality type. There are two sets of four 'types', and depending on how you answer the questionnaire, you're given points to determine if you're either; Extroverted/Introverted; Sensing/Intuition; Thinking/Feeling; Judgement/Perception. From memory, I believe I'm Introverted, Intuition, Thinking, Judgement (INTJ). Rather than bore you with what this (apparently) means, safe to say, that in the world of Myers-Briggs, I'm something of a dictatorial sociopath. Upon first getting these results I was particularly struck by the 'Introverted' read. The 'facilitator' (i.e. quack) was immediately set upon. 
'I don't agree with this', I shouted in a dictatorial and anti-social manner. 'Introverts are friendless blokes who collect comic books. I have many friends, I'm not a man, and I don't like comics!' The facilitator aimed to calm me (I suspect she was swaying towards the Sensing and Feeling areas). 
'It's not about not having friends, introverts just have fewer, closer friends, and they tend to expend energy in social situations. Would you choose to go to a movie on your own for example?'
'Of course I would', I snorted.
At which point I heard a gasp of despair from a fellow lab rat.
'There is no way in the world I'd go to a movie on my own', she cried.
It simply never occurred to me that there were people in the world who needed to be around others constantly. This continues to be driven home to me when meeting new people in Berlin. 'Oh, so you have friends here?' is the standard response. 
'No, just me'.
'But don't you get lonely?' 
'Nope, there's the internet. And phones, there are always phones'.
This situation has played out a few times now, actually causing me to question; 'am I lonely?' Funnily enough, I think about times I've felt truly alone and it turns out it's been when I've been in a relationship. Granted, it's been in the death throes of that relationship. You know that time when you just know it's going to end. Has to end. But that's more about the prospect of potential loneliness, rather than actual loneliness.
Don't get me wrong, I love people. Really, I do. There are just some things that are better done solo. These include; reading (obviously a solo pursuit). Watching movies (it's a silent experience, why do you need someone with you?). Going to art galleries (I set an irregular pace - often galloping past the 'important' works and spending much too long obsessing over misplaced apostrophes on wall labels). Listening to incredibly embarrassing music from the 1990s (Hole or L7 anybody? I didn't think so). 

Admittedly, hours spent in my own head does put me at risk of very soon starting on that comic book collection. So, as a preventative measure, I've begun compiling a list of things that are better done with others. These include; cooking and eating out (it's much more fun getting praise for a meal just cooked, or trying food from somebody's plate). Drinking (I also like to do this solo, but, it is generally more fun with others). Dancing and singing (an all night karaoke session in LA involving a Nancy Sinatra duet and the company of three awesome ladies remains a memory highlight). Attending weddings* (the best forum in which to do all of the above).
So, back to Berlin time. From my favourite aforementioned solo pastimes I've indulged in them all (usually daily). The team pastimes have been put on hold until the arrival of visitors. And the fact is, whilst they are certainly enjoyable things to do, who could do karaoke everyday? How would you have energy to read/watch/view/listen to the things around you? The prospect of not being able to do these things makes me feel very lonely indeed.
*S, you are exempt from granting me a plus one to your upcoming nuptials - considering you are generally my back up date anyway.

10 September - Let's make some memories people

Everybody knows the power that music has to return us to a certain time and place from our past, but also how it helps shape our current memories. For me, The Strokes 'Is this it?' album takes me to the early 2000s when the Rob Roy was still the Rob Roy and my biggest concern was affording my $420 a month rent in my first Melbourne share house. The Hoodoo Gurus remind me of the Tote jukebox and cigarettes* in the front bar and badly played games of pool. Midlake, Fleet Foxes and Neko Case will always be linked with Rae street dinner parties where K and I are inevitably drunker than our guests.

So, it was with mixed feelings that I attended the Berlin Festival, featuring none other than Primal Scream (doing the entire Screamadelica album), and Suede. Nostalgia is a beautiful thing, but, at what age does it hinder your ability to make new memories? 

Before boarding the nostalgia train however, I thought I'd remain in 2011 by having a listen to CSS. Lovefoxxx, on lead vocals, was so full of energy and enthusiasm, it didn't really matter that the music wasn't that great. She stalked the stage, crowd surfed and high kicked her way through a set that left me smiling and wondering how on earth I'd ended up in Berlin, cheering the antics of a tiny Brazilian girl in short shorts and batman mask.

There was a short wait before I needed to be at the main stage for Primal Scream. So, off I went for a beer. 'Ein Bier bitte' - at which point I was handed a pot of beer, and small green token. 'Was ist das?' The bar girl, obviously so impressed with my German, answered (in the Queen's English), ''if you bring the token back with your empty cup, you get one euro back'. Of course the Germans were the ones to come up with this ingenious and highly organised plan. Result; no litter on the ground and therefore no need to fight for floor space when listening to a band.

So, off I went to the main stage to join Bobby Gillespie and gang on our joyful journey to the 1990s. I know there are very strong opinions on the concept of the 'revival' gig. I must admit, while I find the concept slightly embarrassing for the performer, the aforementioned nostalgia element wins me over in the end. I was also curious to see if Bobby might choose Berlin as the best place to bore us all with his politics (he's pro-Palestinian and has been accused of being an anti-Semite). Thankfully though, nobody mentioned the war. Bobby just got up there and did his thing. And he did it adequately. Understandably he did seem a little bored at times - and it would be an amazing human who wouldn't get bored playing songs that are 20 years old. But really, by the time 'Come Together' was played, I didn't care how bored Bobby was. The most important thing was, I was having a great time. 

I was four beers in by the time Suede came on. Before discussing the music, I must say, considering Brett Anderson's drug history, at 43 years old, he looks phenomenal. Less feminine than in his youth, but still incredibly lithe and attractive. Thankfully his voice is also still in great shape. 'Crack in the union jack' was surprisingly powerful. 'We are the pigs' was energetic and entertaining. 'Animal nitrate' however gave me mixed feelings. I simply love that song and it holds a special place in my musical memory bank. Despite it being performed faithfully and with sincerity, hearing it over 15 years after its release just made me feel sad, and old. I was also possibly drunk. 

On my way home, listening on my headphones, my phone shuffled onto 'Prenzlauerberg' by Beirut. I'd like to think that this, along with many more new tunes, will formulate my memories of my time in Berlin - not Primal Scream and Suede. Those bands have their place in my past, and 2011 is already running out of room. 


*I wasn't the one smoking the cigarettes, naturally.

7 September - Working class hero?

Like most teenagers, my (many) years at university were spent asking life's big questions, such as; 'can a capitalist society be a just society?' and 'does shaving my armpits make me a non-feminist?' Also, coming from fairly standard working class stock, and being raised to be suspicious of anybody with lots of money, I felt I was more open than most to a political philosophy that advocated a classless society. It's important to note here that I was 'open', not 'active'. So, whilst I always had time to read a Young Socialists' brochure or occasionally listen to an on-campus speech, ultimately the idealist in me died and, six years in, I was turned off by their fanaticism and bare feet. I do sometimes wonder though, what if I'd been converted all those years ago? Would I still consider socialism a viable system?

This question has something to do with my (some say morbid) interest in the former GDR (German Democratic Republic). So, for those of you who don't know*, the GDR was the communist state of occupied Germany following Germany's defeat in the second World War. This area encompassed East Germany - including the eastern half of Berlin. A big old wall was built to prevent citizens from defecting to the West, and the ruling political party (the Socialist Unity Party of Germany), created the Ministry for State Security to ensure that nobody (internal or external) posed a risk to their control over the population. The Ministry for State Security was basically a secret police force, commonly known as the Stasi. After reading Anna Funder's book, Stasiland, I'd always wanted to visit the former Stasi headquarters to formulate my own opinion on the supposed tyranny of the regime. 

However, before getting into the question of tyranny, it's probably more interesting to talk about the extreme paranoia of the Ministry for State Security. The lengths they went to to protect the socialist system from subversive elements, seem (to modern minds), almost laughable. Take a look at some of these devices and tell me this isn't like something from a Bond film featuring any one of the actors who wasn't Sean Connery.

First up a camera tie;

Don't normally wear a tie? Perhaps a button camera is more your thing;

Unfortunately though, it wasn't all slightly embarrassing espionage. The scent samples concerned me somewhat. This is where they would bottle the scent of citizens under investigation by wiping down the seat they'd been interrogated on - supposedly for the benefit of the dogs should that person require tracking at a later date. Kind of creepy right? 
Surely somebody in the Socialist Unity Party sat back one day and actually thought; 'hold on, it's now at the stage where we're collecting people's smells, just to ensure they don't leave. Perhaps something isn't quite right here?' Unfortunately, it seems nobody from the SED did have this thought because around 1985 the number of Stasi officials actually increased to close to 90,000. It took until 1989 for mass unrest and strikes to bring the system (and the wall) down.

There is certainly no question that the Stasi were a very strange and tyrannical force. However, I find it hard to believe that life under socialism was all bread lines and drab outfits. Certainly the feeling I get, is, at least nobody was cold or homeless or hungry. And really, can you imagine yourself as a former citizen of the GDR, and your first exposure to western society is David Hasselhoff in custom made electric lights jacket? I think I'd prefer somebody to put my scent in a jar.

*Shame on you for not knowing fundamental post-war history!

3 September - Berlin; The City of Bikes

About twelve months ago I purchased a bicycle on eBay. 'Reconditioned' and 'vintage' with a sparkling new paint job and obligatory basket on the front. Upon purchasing this bike I could not get enough of looking at it. Chained to my bedroom window grate, in front of a flower box brimming with geraniums, I dubbed my new acquisition 'snowflake', and foresaw a happy and aesthetically pleasing life together. 

In her twelve months lifespan with me, 'snowflake' has seen the road approximately nine times. My lack of ability to bond with bike riding was summed up when housemate K noted one day - 'oh, you rode today? I was worried when I didn't see your bike out front. I assumed it must have been stolen'. It's not that I'm lazy exactly, it's just that I like the idea (and look) of the bike more than the riding of the bike. 

So, upon landing in Berlin, my new home for the next two months, I've needed to radically reassess this attitude. Everybody rides a bike in this town. And they don't care if it has a new paint job or hand woven basket. If it has two wheels, it will do. Functioning brakes optional. Below is a snapshot of my back garden (taken from the kitchen window).

This shows only one side of the garden. There are at least ten more bikes bordering this courtyard - also note the veggie patch (but more on that in a later post). 

The orange number (second from the right under the shelter), is mine. As a homage to snowflake, this beast has been called 'traffic cone', as no other name could describe its lurid shade and utter lack of style. If I'm to get over my affliction for riding only for fashion, this bike is most certainly the cure.

When hiring the bike I made a gesture to the bike guy to indicate that I'd quite like to hire a helmet as well, so as to not break my skull during this little experiment. 'Nein' was the short answer to that request. No helmets here. So, day one, off I went with streaming hair and nervous stomach. First stop, Brandenburg Gate.

Now part of the reason I don't really dig bike riding in Melbourne has something to do with hills and lack of decent infrastructure for cyclists. Everybody would know that riding to the Napier Hotel from my house (for example), involves not only braving the lunatics on Brunswick St, but also a slight incline that snowflake is simply not equipped to handle. Thankfully, Berlin is totally flat and has more bike lanes than pedestrian footpaths. Traffic cone also sports some nifty back pedal brakes which take me back to a time (when I was about twelve) and used to ride my bike outside my house for hours at a time. Handbrakes always felt so adult - so serious. 

I could get used to this. Then I hit the Unter den Linden and the bike path and bus lane became one. Praying that a bus wouldn't pull out in front of me became my sole thought. That, and the fact that I was without helmet. By the time I reached the Brandenburg Gate I needed to sit down at a tourist restaurant and pay five euros for a water - just to calm my nerves. 

But, from my overpriced vantage point I was able to observe the lay of the land. The buses (and cars) were deferring to the cyclists in every case. No aggression, not even a close call was noted. 

On the way home I was a different rider to the girl who had started out. Traffic cone and I were now friends. I could even relax enough to cycle and window shop at the same time. Result; new black dress and hopefully a fitter, less prejudiced future cyclist.